Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
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detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
this is how life feels
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
This January has 47 Mondays
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.