Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
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Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Just so funny
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything