Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
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cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child