good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

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In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.


Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time


Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen


Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?


Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me


Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?


i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”


The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.


I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.