Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
This pepper has seen some shit
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit