Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
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I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
scared to check what name she chose
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”