good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
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My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.