Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
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The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”