Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
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1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Autocorrect completely socks
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.