@Ginjarella

Good morning, Twitter x

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@Reverend_Scott

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

@sageboggs

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

@Blarebare

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

@hinnaz

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

@Marlebean

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

@proEXgirlfriend

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

@bigmacher

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

@sixfootcandy

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.