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NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?


Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake


Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.


Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.


Expecting Parents,

I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.



Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.


#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.


My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.


Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.


I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.