Good morning, Twitter x
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I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.