@Ginjarella
@Reverend_Scott NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
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@Reverend_Scott 
@sageboggs Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
@Blarebare Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
@hinnaz Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
@Marlebean Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
@proEXgirlfriend Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
@bigmacher #GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
@sixfootcandy My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
@MrGeorgeWallace Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
@mactx85 I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.