Good morning y’all ☀️
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3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
This is the one
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
did it work
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”