Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
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if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.