Good morning.
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*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children