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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)