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My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Breakfast in bed.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
tell em, edith-anne
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.