@GetCougarized I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
@RalstonReports Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
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@GetCougarized 
@Love_bug1016 No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
@AndyAsAdjective INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@yoyoha “Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
@SkinnieTalls The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
@LizerReal Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
@KateWouldHaveIt Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
@JudeFrisco You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
@GlumGeorgeLucas “The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
@CallousBalzac BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.