Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
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Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on