Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
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the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away