If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.