@ThisLocalHater

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

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@Thynebear

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

@Jake_Vig

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

@Fred_Delicious

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

@bewgtweets

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

@JediGigi

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

@TheToddWilliams

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

@mommajessiec

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

@AbbieEvansXO

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

@UNDEADTRESOR

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.