@DickScurvy

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

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@beefman138

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

@SaddestFinger

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

@BlackCatBettie

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

@djdarrellripley

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

@psybermonkey

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

@causticbob

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

@TheCiscoKidder

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

@goldengateblond

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.