@beefman138 Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
@DickScurvy Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
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@beefman138 
@LurkAtHomeMom *hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
@SaddestFinger My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
@BlackCatBettie What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
@Talk_To_The_Hat True?
@djdarrellripley Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
@psybermonkey [Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
@causticbob When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
@TheCiscoKidder Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
@goldengateblond Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.