@DickScurvy

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

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@Social_Mime

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

@AutisticDad23

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

@DomesticGoddss

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

@UncleDuke1969

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

@HonestToddler

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

@FormerHumorist

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

@PeaceInTruth1

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

@jaketapper

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

@JoParkerBear

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

@TheCatWhisprer

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.