@Social_Mime Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
@DickScurvy Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
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@Social_Mime 
@AutisticDad23 Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
@DomesticGoddss Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
@UncleDuke1969 Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
@HonestToddler So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
@FormerHumorist Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
@PeaceInTruth1 Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
@jaketapper I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
@JoParkerBear Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
@TheCatWhisprer The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.