Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
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Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days