Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
You Might Also Like
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Motion detecting home security camera working well!