Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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-Librarians arguing

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”