Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
consequences, the bane of my existence
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.