Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
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Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*