Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
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Mouse
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.