Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?