Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
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A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Why is no one talking about this?!
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.