Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
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I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
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My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off