@QwertyJones3

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

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@TheAlexNevil

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

@Skoog

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

@stevevsninjas

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

@bonehugsnirony

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

@meganamram

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

@david8hughes

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

@ArfMeasures

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

@JohnMayer

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

@curt_uzi

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him