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I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.