“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
You Might Also Like
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”