Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
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Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Lassie, get help!
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.