“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
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I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.