Good point.
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psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.