My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.