good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
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Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.