good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

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My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?


Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.


Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?




[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets


“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”


Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives


The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now


Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.


Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.