Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
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Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.