Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
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doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow