Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.