Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
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Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??