@AmberTozer

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

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@InternetHippo

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

@mikeleffingwell

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

@RackOfSteel

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

@ElenaChainHelp1

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

@ThisOneSayz

Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?

Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.

@UncleDuke1969

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist