@AmberTozer

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

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@causticbob

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

@ddsmidt

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

@fro_vo

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

@nealbrennan

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

@CaseyBalsham

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

@envydatropic

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

@smiles_and_nods

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

@KalvinMacleod

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

@decentbirthday

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that