@AmberTozer

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

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@FivePointsVids

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

@Marlebean

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

@miilkkk

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

@zoebread

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

@NikiWithIssues

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

@WilliamAder

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

@AndyRichter

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music