Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
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Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
every college guy’s fridge
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent