@sad_tree

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

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@EmmaUtters

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

@notfaizzy

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

@mdob11

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

@_radsy

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

@CulturedRuffian

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

@

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

@a_simpl_man

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

@SvnSxty

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

@calluptome

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.