Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
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Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I am never leaving this website
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app