Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
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“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window