Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
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Well, this certainly took a turn
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Jesus Christ lmao
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?