Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
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BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My dating profile:
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.