*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
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tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!