good work, detective
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selfie game
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.