“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
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Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.