“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Just as the prophecy foretold
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If you know, you know
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.