Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
forgive me baja for i have blast
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue