@Bownuggets

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

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@bigpoppadrunk

Her: You are a good looking guy

My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird

My mouth: You too

My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

@mydmac

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

@ZachWeiner

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

@Tmoney68

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

@ilovepie84

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

@bylinetd

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”